We love to talk about external boundaries: the lines we set with others. But have you heard of internal boundaries? Internal boundaries are the limits and lines we set for ourselves. These can be things like limiting our phone usage while we are at home, scheduling rest or exercise or time in fresh air, eating food that makes our bodies feel good, limiting alcohol and other drugs, and saying “no” to projects and commitments we don’t have time or energy for.
Internal and external boundaries are drawn for the same reasons: to protect and promote our well-being. Many of us overlook the importance of the boundaries we set with ourselves, however. We often dislike the idea of limits and rules, and avoid establishing such restrictions. Or we let the demands of others outweigh our own needs and priorities. Sometimes, even when we strive to create internal boundary systems, we retreat in shame and give up when we find that we lack the “self-discipline” to uphold those boundaries.
But what if the limits we set for ourselves aren’t as much about strict regimens as self-care? What if we treat ourselves as collaborators—like a partner in a good relationship or a warm and responsive parent—and use our experiences—successes and setbacks—to inform what boundaries are best for us? We don’t need to mimic the 11-step morning routines, restrictive diets, or over-the-top fitness strategies of celebrities. We need a system of internal boundaries suited to our own wellness, including physical, mental, and spiritual wellness.
We do this by staying connected to what’s working and what’s not in our lives, by looking inward instead of out. The best boundaries result from treating ourselves as precious experimental subjects providing essential data and feedback rather than as unruly children needing authority. We create appropriate boundaries when we move away from the idea of restriction, punishment, and shame, and towards crafting a life that is balanced, nourishing, and reflective of our values. Internal boundaries are opportunities to show ourselves we are worthy of being treated well.
So, how do we undertake this reframe and develop a system of internal boundaries that works for us?
Inventory What’s Working and What’s Not
Consider the following categories and write down successes and struggles in each domain of your life currently or in the recent past:
- Physical Well-being: Caring for our sleep, nutrition, rest, and activity needs. This includes attending doctor’s visits and addressing any health ailments proactively. Ask yourself: How do you feel physically? How tuned into your physical body are you? Do you honor your body’s signals when it asks for food, rest, and activity? How do you prioritize these physical needs?
- Emotional Well-being: How we are feeling overall and how we give ourselves space and support to manage emotions that arise. For example, with whom do you share your emotions? Are there emotions that you habitually avoid? Are there emotions that seem to dominate your emotional landscape? How balanced do you feel emotionally? Do you take responsibility for your emotions? Do you take responsibility for others' emotions? How often do you blame others for your emotional state? How can you become more attuned and responsive to your own emotions and clearly distinguish between what is yours and that of others?
- Keeping Promises to Ourselves: The ways we honor our intentions and goals. Are there habits you have been wanting to change for a while but haven’t? Do you often feel disappointed in yourself? How do you balance your own needs in the context of the demands of others? Do you frequently say "yes" when you want to say "no?" How do you prioritize what is most important so that you don’t scatter your energy on less important things?
- Working with Thoughts: Noticing and honoring thoughts while not allowing thoughts to become tyrants. How often do you let your thoughts run away with your emotions or behavior? For example, do you have a lot of self-critical thoughts? Do you believe them? Do you let them stop you from acting? Do irrational or unhelpful thoughts lead you to behave in ways you regret? For example, do angry thoughts lead you to lash out at others or act in self-destructive ways? Explore what thought patterns arise more frequently and how they serve you.
- Saying No: Holding the line with yourself. How often do you say “no” to yourself? To that second helping of brownies? That third glass of wine? The fiery desire to send a snarky reply email to your coworker? Are you often overly permissive with yourself? Or perhaps you're overly restrictive? Do you say “no” even when there’s no obvious harm? Do you take irrational pride in holding yourself back from things that are purely pleasurable but have no obvious purpose? Are you furiously productive at the expense of joy and ease? Check if you find yourself on either end of the spectrum when it comes to saying “no” to yourself. How can you make space for flexibility and limits?
Make Changes
Pick one area and get started creating the limits, guidelines, or intentions that suit your needs. It may help to write down the specific goal/idea/limit and your reasons for making the change. How is this guideline an appropriate response to something that isn’t working? What would you like to feel down the road with this goal accomplished? Write it all down. Keep the goal simple and begin small.
Allow compassion and curiosity to guide you if you find that you stumble. All challenges are learning opportunities. Mine the situation for information to use it to adjust course. If you’re just getting started, I encourage you not to shy away from setting limits for yourself. Rules don’t sound like a lot of fun, but there is freedom in discipline. Over time, such habits eventually become more flexible and intuitive, and you can trust yourself to throw out the rule book.
